It has been a year of loss for me and it is still two more weeks before I will be happy to say goodbye to the year that was perhaps my most challenging. Certainly, it was the year of multiple and very painful soul scorching losses for me.
If it was just one loss, maybe it would be easier but as the losses mounted it just became too too much. Stop I say but they kept coming.
One of the many losses I am enduring this year and will probably continue to endure is the loss of my most beloved dog Madeline.
Some of my losses I saw coming (if you will) this one I did not. There was little time to prepare as always the case with the tragedy of a sudden and unexpected loss, lots of time after to reflect, however, not helpful.
Of course, in dealing with loss my best defense has always been of stoicism. Just bury the grief and carry on. Well not this time, the cumulative grief in my life came down around me this summer and brought me to my knees. Forget about trying to avoid grief as I have been forced into it. I am currently in a state of grief complete with a shattered heart.
As part of my grief work, I have among many things chose a few books to guide me. In particular I relied upon the classic, On Grief and Grieving by the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.
While I won't get into the heart of the book, I will say that one of the suggestions in the book was to pen a letter to a lost loved one.
So, being the weird dog crazy person I am - I wrote a letter to Madeline who passed this May. It is an emotional based letter based on the exercise suggested in On Grief and Grieving.
|Madeline and Lee - Butchart Gardens|
I know that you are a dog and that you cannot read but know that I need to try to get this out of my mind and into my heart.
I am lost without you. Perhaps, I should just admit that I am lost. I have lost my love and I am just plain old lost.
You were the most loved dog ever - I love you and miss you every minute of every day and still I cannot believe you are gone forever.
Our home is without joy and fun and all the cuteness and laughter since you have been gone. I keep seeing you running around the corner coming to me doing your famous wiggle dance and feeling your happiness every single day. I am so heartbroken that you are gone and I feel so sad and so guilty and responsible for your fall. And, what followed.
Please forgive me lovey - I miss you and will continue to miss you everyday. Christmas is almost here and I won't be buying you a gift and stuffing your stocking - and I am so sorry for that and that you won't be here with us.
I have Miss Kermit by my night stand and say good night to her for you each night when I go to bed. I hope that you can hear me everyday when I say "love you baby girl" "miss you maamaa". It is just so painful that I simply do not know what to do.
I have been looking at Doberman websites and Doberman Rescue Sites looking for a black and rust girl that looks like you - I have finally stopped that as it hurt too much. Besides, no one is a beautiful as you!
I know that you are one in a million and that I will never replace you and that you are never coming back - I am so sorry I could not help you or save your life.
Love you always and miss you forever
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